Navigating the Labyrinth of Grief: Understanding Different Types of Loss

Grief is a universal human experience, yet it’s deeply personal and varied. It’s not a linear process, but rather a labyrinth of emotions we navigate after a loss. Understanding the different types of grief can help us better support ourselves and others during these challenging times.

Common Types of Grief
While grief is unique to each individual, there are some common types that have been identified by experts:

• Anticipatory Grief: This type of grief, as described by Erich Lindemann, occurs when we anticipate a loss that hasn’t happened yet. It’s common in situations like terminal illness or impending deployment. While it can help us prepare, it can also be emotionally exhausting.
• Ambiguous Loss: Also defined by Pauline Boss, this involves a loss that’s unclear or lacks closure, such as a missing person or a loved one with dementia. The uncertainty makes it difficult to find acceptance and move forward.
• Disenfranchised Grief: Kenneth Doka highlighted this type of grief, which occurs when a loss isn’t socially recognized or acknowledged. Examples include the death of a pet, a miscarriage, or the loss of a non-married partner. This can lead to feelings of isolation and invalidation.
• Bereavement Loss: This refers to the grief experienced after the death of a loved one. It’s the most commonly recognized type of grief and often involves intense emotions like sadness, anger, and guilt.

Stages of Grief

Kübler-Ross introduced the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While these stages provide a framework, it’s important to remember that grief doesn’t always follow this order, and in fact, some of the stages may be absent from a person’s grief experience altogether. However, due to very little information or research about grief at the time the book was published (1969), providers flocked to buy this book, and used it as a guide for helping others through their grief – but not the way the author intended. The 5 Stages of Grief were written by Kübler-Ross from the perspective of people she worked with who were dying from a terminal illness. They weren’t meant to describe the grief of the living, they were meant to describe the grief of the dying.

Kübler-Ross herself never meant these stages to be used as a rigid framework to be applied to everyone who mourns. In On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss (Scribner, 2005), the last book she wrote before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grief is as individual as our lives.”

Holidays and Anniversaries: Amplified Grief

Holidays and anniversaries can be particularly challenging for those experiencing grief. These times, which are often associated with joy and togetherness, can intensify feelings of loss and sadness. In essence, holidays amplify grief within a social context, while anniversaries intensify grief on a personal, deeply individual level. Holidays and anniversaries are filled with traditions and memories, which can trigger strong emotional responses.The absence of a loved one is often felt more acutely during these times.

Coping Strategies:

• Acknowledge Your Feelings:
  • Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions arise, whether it’s sadness, anger, or even guilt.
  • Don’t suppress your feelings to meet others’ expectations.
• Plan Ahead:
  • Anticipate that these times may be difficult and create a plan for how you’ll cope.
  • This might involve setting boundaries, limiting social engagements, or creating new traditions.
• Modify Traditions:
  • It’s okay to change or skip traditions that feel too painful.
  • Consider creating new traditions that honor the memory of your loved ones.
• Communicate Your Needs:
  • Let family and friends know what you need during this time.
  • Don’t be afraid to ask for support or to decline invitations.
• Honor Your Loved One:
  • Find meaningful ways to remember your loved one, such as:
  • Sharing stories and memories.
  • Lighting a candle.
  • Visiting a special place.

Coping with Grief

There’s no right or wrong way to grieve. However, there are healthy coping mechanisms that can help:

• Acknowledge and express your emotions: Don’t suppress your feelings. Talk to someone you trust, journal, or express yourself through art.
• Take care of your physical health: Grief can be physically draining. Ensure you’re eating well, sleeping enough, and getting some exercise.
• Seek support: Connect with friends, family, or a support group. Consider professional help if you’re struggling. See below for additional resources.
• Be patient with yourself: Healing takes time. Don’t rush the process or judge yourself for your emotions.

Grief is a complex and challenging journey, but it’s a testament to our capacity to love and connect. Understanding the different types of grief and finding healthy coping mechanisms can help us navigate this journey with more resilience and compassion.

Resources:

There are many local resources available where you live. The best way to find local resources is to contact your local hospital. If you or someone you know is experiencing a bereavement loss, area funeral homes also have up-to-date resources for grief and loss support in the community. Additionally, Wisconsin 211 has a search option to guide you to specific resources (https://211wisconsin.communityos.org/)

Further Research:

If you would like to explore this topic further, UW-Madison has a wonderful program available for practitioners who would like to become certified grief and loss specialists.
(https://continuingstudies.wisc.edu/courses/grief-support-specialist-certificate-online/)

Books:

Before and After Loss by Lisa Shulman, M.D. – Neurologist Lisa Shulman shares her perspective, experience and research on how grief affects the brain after she experienced the loss of her husband, Bill (also a neurologist), after his 17-month battle with cancer.

The Four Things that Matter Most – A Book About Living – Ira Byock, M.D. The four things that Dr. Byock identifies as powerful phrases needed for emotional wellness: “Please forgive me,” “I forgive you,” “Thank you,” and “I love you,” can be used as tools for all types of grieving and healing.

The Invisible Leash by Patrice Karst. A book about the grief that follows the loss of a pet. That’s all I can write about it without getting teary.

Books if you really want to nerd-out with Janine:
Disenfranchised Grief by Kenneth Doka
Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss
Beyond Grief by Erick Lindemann

Podcasts:

Grief Out Loud
Hosted by a licensed social worker, Grief Out Loud “seeks to open up the avoided conversations about grief”. With practical advice for supporting children through grief, suggestions about how to preserve precious memories with your loved one, and how to care for a parent with Alzheimer’s. These are just some of the many discussions on this podcast that is perfect for those who want a “platitude free” experience.

What’s Your Grief
This podcast is hosted by two female mental health professionals, Eleanor Haley and Litsa Williams. As health professionals, the hosts offer practical advice and suggestions for how to take care of your mental health when dealing with grief. There is a wide array of focus, from pop-culture to menopause.

Griefcast: Funny People Talking About Death
The tagline says it all – this podcast features funny people talking about death. The host Cariad Lloyd is a comedian whose father passed away due to cancer when she was a teenager. Each week she is joined by comedic guests to have conversations that are often funny, but also poignant and moving. Cariad’s website describes the podcast as people sharing their “views on the pain, loss and the weirdness that happens when someone dies”. This podcast also won Podcast of the Year at the British Podcast Awards.